Mobster in church, asks the priest:
“Tell me, Father, if I donated $ 5,000 to the church, would I go to heaven?”
“No guarantee, but let’s try!”

Gangster was rewarded by his boss with a free day around the pool. He was so excited since he’d never been allowed around the pool before. After a while of fun in the pool, he felt the urge to go to the toilet and asked a guy next to him, where to go:
“Well … in the pool … They all do so …”
The next day the boss called him into his office:
“Idiot, moron! How could you pee in the pool?”
“Boss … ? But they all do it …”
“Well, yeah …, but not from the spring board!!”