Boss to one of his employees:
“How many times I have to tell you not to show up for work drunk! Yesterday I was so happy to see you sober!”
“Yesterday you were happy, but now it’s my turn!”

A totally drunk man staggers into a catholic church and rushes into the confessional booth, but says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still no response. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak up. Finally, the drunk replies:
“No use knocking, buddy – there’s no paper in this one either!”