An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she was giving the artist some instructions:
“Look, I’d like to appear on the painting with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But madam, you are not wearing any of those things” – replied the artist surprised.
“I know, I know… This is just in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewellery!”

82-year old man was having his annual check up and his doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got a twenty six year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said:
“Let me tell you a story. I knew a man who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out hunting in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was out in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle and what do you think happened!?.”
“???”
“The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible! … Someone else must have shot the bear.”
“See what I mean! …” – replied the doctor.